When the pain of a love loss is not processed

When the pain of a love loss is not processed

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Before the rupture of a relationship it is essential to normalize our life as soon as possible and avoid developing destructive behavior patterns that the common people use as palliative to mitigate their grief.

We try to escape the pain by clinging to fantasies that have little or nothing to do with reality and we postpone the moment in which we will have to face that "deep sense of failure and insufficiency" and the "sense of loss", which is part of the process We have to live.

Illusion or fantasy is to some extent normal and its content will vary according to what has been our role both during the relationship, as in the break: rejected or rejected.


  • 1 Distorted thoughts and self-deception
  • 2 Inadequate strategies
  • 3 What to do to endure the anguish over a loss of love
  • 4 Neutralize that heavy burden that is guilt and resentment
  • 5 Forgiveness
  • 6 To feel better after the loss

Distorted thoughts and self-deception

Our mind often plays tricks on us and we build an image of ourselves and the other person that does not fit the facts, to the circumstances, to the life we ​​lead with that person and to the reasons for the breakup. We idealize it, we detract it, we blame others for the situation, we blame ourselves and with that guilt we live unhappily longing for something that has already been lost and will probably never recover.

Many take extreme positions when assigning blame. Some assume themselves guilty of everything, of what has been done and what they have been done or stopped doing. Others do not assume responsibilities and consider that the other is to blame, assuming to be a poor victim of the circumstances. It is also usually disqualify the other person thinking that you can recover from the crisis you are going through.

Deceive ourselves and use any mechanism that takes us away from reality will delay our "healing" process, because although in a moment we can "console" ourselves with this type of deception, inside of us the part of us will always be revealed Who knows the truth.

Inadequate strategies

If we think that loneliness, alcohol or drugs, fleeing to another place, comforting us with accidental relationships, can relieve us, we are very wrong. They will not help us, we will get sick and have more problems.

Alcohol and drugs take us away from reality, sink us and make us sick. Loneliness depresses us, separates us from other people who love us and care about us and also get sick.

Nor will it help to trust inappropriate people, charlatans, people of little confidence, because they will not provide us with protection, support or solutions. It is preferable to talk about our pain, about our feelings with trustworthy people who support us and understand us.

Establishing a new relationship prematurely, without having resolved the duel is not healthy for you or the other person. "A nail does not take out another nail", It is likely that every time you feel "in love" you will actually be "in need". Instead of facing the pain, you will be looking for a person to take care of you or accompany you so that time passes faster and not be alone, but not a couple.

Nor is it a solution to isolate, flee and leave everything. The pain we carry inside, will follow us wherever we go and that nobody can change it.

There are people who persistently remain attached to the past without giving themselves the opportunity to build a future. They find the rupture, so painful that they make a pact with themselves so as not to love again, not to feel again not to love again. They close doors, they do not give themselves the opportunity to overcome their pain and establish a relationship that provides love, company, protection, support so necessary for a healthy life, for a calm and happy life. Loving other people and continuing to live does not mean wanting less or not really wanting.

Some torture themselves by listening to music or contemplating objects, places that insistently remind the other person, without giving themselves the opportunity to face reality and live their pain with dignity.

Don't call if they don't want to listen to you, don't look if they don't want to find you. This prolongs your pain, turns it into obsession, lowers your self-esteem and makes your life and that of another's hell.

Others react by imposing themselves, trying by all means to get the relationship to resume. Violence, blackmail, manipulation, leads to nothing. It makes us live hell, it brings us serious problems. This behavior generates hatred, resentment, illness.

Parking in one of the phases of grief means stopping the process and continuing to suffer. Let the spite develop. Do not stop, let it flow and work on your emotions and feelings at each stage. Develop the techniques necessary to better manage your emotions.

When the duel is not resolved positively, it becomes chronic and we do not recover. What distinguishes the normal duel from the abnormal, is the intensity and duration of the reactions over time. In the abnormal duel the process is blocked and the pain is not elaborated.

If feelings of failure and insufficiency take hold of us, it is important to remember that we are responsible for our own behavior and that we cannot change the couple's behavior, unless the couple wants to. Your only concern should be the changes you need to make in your life.

Love is not forced. It is healthier to live our grief, our spite and move forward without rancor, without guilt. Forgiving and forgetting. Living and letting live.

What to do to endure the anguish over a loss of love

Not all people react the same to the breakup of love. To think that our world has become confusing and insecure, that we have mixed feelings and emotions, that we feel anger, anger and sadness at the same time, is normal in these circumstances.

  • Let your emotions flow, accept them, they are characteristic of grief. Anger, anger, sadness, bewilderment, helplessness, are natural emotions that, as they appear, also become exhausted and disappear. We all suffer it. They are part of our pain. If you oppose them they will appear with more intensity and the pain will be more acute, you will not be able to bear it and you will get sick.
  • Feel your emotions as something unpleasant that has to happen. Accept them as part of your pain, live them, you will see that in the future they will give you many benefits.
  • Before the emotion of rage, of anger, live it, feel it, but without harming yourself or harming the other or others. Do not make the other or other recipient of your anger, you are not entitled even if the behavior of that person has deeply affected you. It is not necessary.
  • Do not give way to anger, if you are very charged with anger, resentment, hit a mattress or a cushion, a doll, shout, insult with all your strength, as long as you are alone and do not do it to hurt or assault someone You have no right to do so.

Violence, manipulation, wanting to impose a situation or direct your resentment, your hostility towards other innocent people, creates problems, causes sadness and pain in those who do not deserve it. You end up alone, frustrated, with more intense pain, more excruciating ... sadness and anger will remain undone and the guilt will be increased by your performance.

  • Share your pain with freedom and love. Put your trust in family, in trusted friends, in people who listen to you, understand you and support you.
  • Concealing our pain is not good. It does not allow communication with others who can accompany us and relieve our pain.
  • Relive the experience of the break, of separation, of your spite, this will facilitate your recovery. Duel that is not spoken is duel that does not heal.
  • Approach people in friendship planDo not isolate yourself even if that is your wish. Look for people, don't expect them to look for you. Recover or create a social circle and stay busy in activities that require physical effort.

Do not hesitate to use forms to download your anguish, your stress, with physical exercises, relaxation, imagery, hobbies, sports. Recover the activities that you liked before and had left for your relationship. The goal is to rebuild, to live fully again.

To facilitate the grieving process, don't look for your ex partner, break contact with her, at least for a while. Do not let others come with comments or gossip. This will avoid interpretations of thoughts or attitudes that we do not know and behavior that may not fit or that is very far from reality.

Remember that grief requires time and effort, which depends on the individual situation, of the type of relationship you had with that person, of the circumstances surrounding the rupture of the relationship, of the personality traits of the person who lives it.

We more easily heal our wound looking for information about what it is and what it feels like during the grieving process, how long it lasts, what factors modify or alter the healing process.

Remembering the facts and circumstances of the breakup and our life with the former couple may come to our mind the details and things that really happened. This will allow us to bring to our memory the other person, to the relationship, without guilt or anger.

Although it is very painful, this allows a greater discharge of anguish and pain. It is like the cure that is done to an open wound during the healing process.

Recognizing and treating each of the components of our pain and performing activities to overcome it, the wound will be closed.

  • Do not pretend not to live or accelerate a process that has several stages and that is typical of human beings. It is up to you that the process be accelerated or delayed.
  • Start taking over your life, make the necessary changes to recover, to recover your reality, to raise your self-esteem, your personality, to give a new meaning to your life.
  • Look at the opportunities you have right now, analyze the situation and see the pros and cons of the situation. Analyze and see the positive side, learn from experience, use all your biological, psychological and environmental resources to get ahead with faith and hope for a better future.
  • Search your physical and psychological well-being: Strive to sleep well, eat and work well; maintain healthy social relationships, master or resume any activity or task that makes you feel useful and good, give meaning and belonging to your life, maintain control of your own destiny, feel satisfaction for yourself and your own existence.

Recovering our reality, our sense of life, our joy and good humor and confidence in the world, we will be laying the groundwork for a healthy and safe future. The scar that, like every wound, will bother from time to time.

Neutralize that heavy load that is guilt and resentment

  • The spite is the shock, the pain from the wound that causes us to break or separate the loved one.
  • In every adverse situation that causes grief and pain, three elements are present:
  • The injury or damage or injury caused by the rupture or separation.
  • The debt, pain or feelings (anger, frustration, bitterness, hatred, resentment, guilt, spite) that accompany the memory of the experience and emotionally hooks us to the one who caused the injury.
  • The cancellation or cancellation of the debt or release, which comes from satisfaction, reparation, reconciliation, return or oblivion and forgiveness.

It is not the facts that make us suffer but the meaning we give to events. It is how we perceive, see, hear and feel the experience of rupture and separation and how it is taxed in our memory. The memory linked to the emotions that make all those feelings emerge and that are reflected in our bodily reactions and in our behavior is what makes us suffer and "hooks" us to the situation and to that person who is today the cause of so many feelings found, because sometimes we love her and sometimes we hate her, sometimes we blame her and sometimes we blame her.

How we perceive the facts depends on our personality, our experiences, the control we have over our emotions, the way we face and solve our problems and the decision, will and effort we make to change the memory of the experience.

Seeking explanations, satisfaction, reparation, or immediate reconciliation is often impossible - or it takes too long or never achieved. The wound remains open, our pain does not heal and we become anguished, frustrated, bitter, grumpy, fearful, pessimistic, lonely, obsessive, guilty, aggressive, conflicted and sick people, because the memory and negative emotions and feelings found , cause us physical and psychological problems.

To free ourselves from the heavy burden of memory that hurts and limits we must first forget and then forgive.

Forgetting is one of the functions of memory that allows us to free from our conscience, the pain that accompanies painful experiences.

The time to forget is very personal and involuntary. You cannot change the facts, but the experience of them. That is, we can strive to transform the memory and accelerate the process of forgetting.

The forgiveness

Transforming the memory means remembering and contemplating the facts at a distance, neutralizing the emotions, placing ourselves even, in the place of the other person, without judging, without criticizing, without comparing, without compassion, without sorrow or blame, eliminating all emotion nested in our memory and that has determined the way we have perceived the experience, so Be able to forgive.

  • To forgive is to free from debt or to neutralize (forget) the emotions linked to the memory of the experience or of the one who caused us the pain. However, forgiving does not erase the damage, does not relieve the offender of responsibility, nor denies the right to do justice to the person who has been injured. Forgiving is a complex process that only we ourselves can do.
  • To forgive is not to passively accept the situation, let the other person do or blame us for the situation.
  • To forgive is not to forget or deny the situation and let time or God take over. Nor is it to blame others, circumstances or destiny.
  • Forgiving is not justifying, understanding or explaining why the person acts or acted that way.
  • To forgive is not to wait for restitution, for satisfaction, for any explanation for the other person's reasons for leaving the relationship.
  • To forgive is not to force the other to accept your forgiveness or to say "I forgive you" to make you feel "humiliated." Nor is it seeking or forcing reconciliation.
  • Forgiving is, first of all, recognizing our mistakes and forgiving ourselves. That is, accept what we cannot change, change what we can and learn to establish differences, without regrets, without guilt, without hatred or resentment.
  • To forgive is to seek the solution to the conflicts, separating from us, all negative feelings such as resentment, hatred, guilt, rejection, desires for revenge, because they are useless feelings that enslave and create more frustration, greater despair.

When we do not forgive we have no joy or peace. We become impatient, unkind, we get angry easily causing rivalries, divisions, partisanship, envy.

When we do not forgive, our ideas and thoughts become destructive, pessimistic, erroneous; We lose trust and respect for ourselves, we develop behaviors that create greater conflicts and our way of life and our relationships with others are affected.

When we do not forgive we are allowing our health, our personal growth, our development and our life, is governed by the decision and conduct of someone who left us and decided for separation.

Forget and forgive It allows us to control our emotions and reactions first. Raise self-esteem, gives us greater security and confidence. It facilitates the recovery of the ability to learn, discriminate and select our responses to future situations. We also learn to act with maturity and wisdom in the face of adversity.

Forget, forgive and forgive us, although painful, is to get rid of the heavy burden of guilt, bitterness, anger that overwhelms us when we feel hurt. It is opening roads to the hope of new opportunities. It is to grow and develop as positive people, free to live in peace and harmony with ourselves and with others.

To feel better after the loss

Knowing what the grieving process is, knowing the stress that arises in this situation, recognizing it and, above all, knowing how it is affecting our body, is the first step in its management and control.

Take an inventory of problems and things that cause tension and stress. Write them down and one by one, analyze them and look for alternatives for your solution.

  • Analyze your thoughts, your ideas, your emotions and your behavior. Live from realities. Do not take refuge in ideas or fantasies, because you delay the grieving process and cause you more anguish and depression.
    Undo intrusive thoughts and memories. When they appear try to distract your mind in some activity that distracts you.
  • Do not demand more than you can give.
  • Take care of your diet. Tobacco, coffee and alcohol enhance stress.
  • Try to sleep well. Relax with a hot water bath, physical exercises, some activity that allows you to discharge your tensions.
  • Visit the doctor to examine your health status. Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you think you need it.
  • Speak, say what you feel, what you think, take out everything you have inside, that hostility that doesn't let you be at peace with yourself or with others. The sooner the better. Learn to tell what happens to you. Duel that is not spoken, duel that does not heal.
  • Practice optimism.
  • Learn to say NO when you don't like something or it doesn't suit you.
  • Laugh more. Humor is one of the best ways to relieve stress and stimulates the production of a substance similar to the stress-reducing hormones that are released through exercise.
  • Don't be a perfectionist. Do not let your yearning for perfection and fear of failure paralyze you with anxiety.
  • Control your moodiness. People who dislike themselves in silence are at even greater risk.
  • You must find time for lunch, recreation and rest.
  • Don't postponeWhen something must be done, do it immediately.
  • Do not generalize.
  • Don't make useless comparisons. Every person, every situation is different for more similarities that you want to find. Memory and imagination cause us bad passes.

Feelings of inferiority may come upon you, feel that you are worthless and therefore feel insecure, hostile, moody, hopeless. Raise your self-esteem, recognize your worth. You have a whole future ahead, do not let pain, sorrow sink you into sadness and desolation.

  • Avoid looking guilty. This creates hatred and resentment. Accept reality and facts as they happened.
  • Stop feeling guilty. Remorse and guilt create anguish and despair and lead you to nothing. Guilt is one of the most useless human emotions.
  • Don't hold a grudge either. Grudge makes you bitter, mortifies you. Forgive and forget.
  • Master your revenge desires and eliminate them from your mind. Face reality, set real goals and objectives in the short term and use all your energies and resources to achieve them.
  • Live in peace and let live. Each of us owns our life and our destiny.
  • Choose your struggles carefully. Worry about the things you can control, not those that escape your hands.
  • Be true to your dreams and hopes.
  • do exercise, you should. Learn to play, use relaxation techniques, imagery, meditation, turn your chores into games.
  • Search for a hobby. Do some activity that you like. Learn something new. Try to fix things at home or build something.
  • Do not isolate yourself. Share more time with your family, with your friends. Keep in mind that loneliness brings bitterness and depression.
  • You can show the person that you really are, without shaves, without unrealities, without deception or lies.
  • You can look for ways to lift your self-esteem, develop yourself as an adapted, healthy person, capable of giving and receiving affection.
  • You are capable of everything you set your mind to. It is only up to you, that you do it facing reality with all its consequences and the efforts you make to achieve it.

Some positive features of psychological well-being that can improve abilities and help people's well-being and health are:

  1. Sleep, eat and work well
  2. Maintain healthy social relationships
  3. Master some activity or task
  4. Feeling of belonging and sense
  5. Control over our own destiny
  6. Satisfaction of himself and his own existence.

Life makes us live conflict situations,
pain, frustration, resignation, grief;
but it is also full of joys, projects,
hopes, illusion, struggle and adaptation.
The emphasis we give to pain depends on us,
to conflict, to guilt, to revenge, to disinterest,
to violence, passivity and frustration,
or dedicate all our physical energies,
psychological, spiritual, moral and
all the fortitude that we are capable of
to rebuild ourselves with optimism and faith and
develop as healthy, happy people,
able to give and receive love.
with confidence, with freedom, without limitations, without guilt,
Without despair, with opportunities.

Alejandra Palacios Banchero
Clinical and Community Psychologist

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