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Failure in love is not something strange. Many people continually lament their bad luck on relationship issues. "What's wrong with me? Why do the same people always touch me? Why does it always go wrong?", these are some of the questions we can hear the most. Despite this, not everything is lost. The tendency to blame our life partners for the love failure is part of these failures. What role do we have?
Throughout the article, we will address the weight of the expectations we create in relation to love failure. The fact of choosing again and again a couple with the same personality type will also be reviewed. The time has come when instead of looking outside, we have to look inside. Blaming others always can hide a little big secret: What if it's really us?
- 1 Expectations and failure in love
- 2 Failure in love: the same pattern
- 3 Final reflection
Expectations and failure in love
One of the main factors for the failure in love are the expectations that we create. This is an important aspect and yet it seems not to exist for many people. Expectations, in this case, are those ideas that we form about how the person is, about how it should be with us and about how the relationship should be. In this way, we form an idea in our mind and from there begins our path to observation.
What do we observe? The answer is easy: that everything fits. We look for signs in the other person and in the relationship that fit with what we have idealized. Sometimes, we pass those "little flaws" that at first do not matter. This phase is when the crush arises. A more mental than loving stage. We cling so much to our expectation that we fall in love with it. So is, we fall in love more than we think about our relationship and the other person than what it really is.
Thus, when we begin to observe that something does not fit with what we had thought ... love dies. In reality, love has not died, but our expectations have died. We decided to put an end to the end because the other person does not offer us what we thought he was going to give us. We observe that it was not for so much and that they have let us down ... once again.
You have let yourself down
In most cases, the person who disappoints is not the couple, but ourselves. We have become so obsessed with what we expected, that everything that was not our expectations qualify it as negative. However, for some reason, many people usually point to the other person instead of themselves as responsible of all that mental castle about the relationship.
Failure in love: the same pattern
Recent investigations also change the photo in terms of failure. And if instead of being the others it is us? The results of the research team of Yoobin Park and Geoff MacDonald (2019), of the University of Toronto, ensure that we usually choose the same partner patterns. This is, we fall in love with the same type of person repeatedly with the peculiarity of not realizing this fact.
The authors state that: "If we find ourselves having the same problems in one relationship after another, we may have to reflect on how we always go towards the same personality traits in our partners and how it contributes to the continuity of our problems ". In this way, the authors invite self-reflection on our criteria when choosing more than criticizing the person we fall in love with.
How can we work this aspect?
The best way to deal with this repetition in the patterns is to meet us. Although many people think they know each other, in reality they have a long way to discover themselves. Once a relationship ends, the ideal is to spend time alone. This is a necessary time to analyze what has happened, what we have learned and how we can strengthen ourselves. If at the end of a relationship we start another in a short time, it can be an indicator of dependence.
Do we really know how to be with ourselves? If that is not the case, most likely we fall again and again into dependency relationships. Our happiness will depend on finding someone even if we are not fully aware. Therefore, it is key to know how to be alone. At this point, it should be noted that Knowing how to be alone is not synonymous with being isolated from society, but being without a partner, without ties.
A relationship includes different types of variables. Undoubtedly, you cannot reduce the end of a romance or the beginning of another to a single reason, but yes it is important to know what happens and what aspects are present. Thus, we can reflect on our role in relationships and know to what extent we can become responsible for falling again and again in the same game.
Park, Y. and MacDonald, G. (2019). Consistency between individuals 'past and current romantic partners' own reports of their personalities. PNAS, 116 (26), 12793-12797.