The objective of the article is to help people who are in a conflict situation in their relationship to assess the permanence or dissolution of the love bond. It also has the purpose of preventing all those people who have or not a couple relationship about the unconscious mechanisms that can lead to separation, starting with the psychological divorce.
- 1 The couple's origin strongly influences their destiny
- 2 The unresolved needs of the personality
- 3 The initial commitment
- 4 The psychological divorce
- 5 Why and why are we still together?
- 6 Do we separate?
- 7 The vision towards the future
- 8 Suggestions for change
- 9 In the inevitable
The couple's origin strongly influences their destiny
How the initial crush influences
When we are attracted to someone and we we fall in love, we see in the other, reflected the virtues that we would like to have and we end up convinced that it really does. curiously those attractive elements in principle in the relationship, become a reason for conflict later. “If I liked you as a flirt, in a conflict situation you become a… ”
“So, the most fascinating and wonderful features of the couple, end up becoming the most horrible and frightening things " (Scarf, cited in Jung 1996)
The unresolved needs of the personality
Says a popular saying, "never missing a broken for a riot." And so, the unconscious needs of both members of the couple are going to join which pieces of puzzle, despite the apparent differences in both.
From there contradictory or complementary categories of couples emerge. In this regard in a generic way, different types have been identified, among which are: the saving couple, the complementary, the uneven, the maternal or paternal, the child or adolescent, the ideal, etc.
As an example in the case of the saving couple, it is one, where one of the members feels from the beginning of the relationship, a disadvantage in the other and it is just that disadvantage, which “the other” wants to repair. For example; I met you half irresponsibly and for wanting to save you or support you, I set out to show you that "you can do things". Then then, one of the members is believed to be the lifeguard of the other and they get into an eternal chain of codependency, where one unconsciously tries to do the favor to the other, to help him and the other medium is left to help without resolving the conflict.
The initial commitment
Some components of the commitment
Every good beginning has the probability of having a good end. However, when it becomes the most important factor, preparations for the wedding, that personal knowledge, a little of the other and of the families of origin, the thing could be very different. The accessory becomes important, although the analysis of the members of the couple could avoid many safe conflicts forward.
Sometimes a simple or inconsequential disagreement with the other, suggests the possibility of dissolving the link. In fact, there are psychologically divorced couples who do not know it yet. This is one of the strongest indicators. Hardly, the couple analyzes the unconscious motives that could strengthen or weaken the commitment to grow and live together.
There are different forms of personal or social pressure to establish a commitment: having invested a certain amount of time in the relationship, the fact that both families know and sometimes accept the other socially, certifying it as a good candidate to join the family, another may be the pressure veiled by the family so that the future consorts formalize their situation, another one is the feeling of pleasure that the future spouses could have to engage in the relationship (Avelarde, 2001). At this last point, it is common in unmarried couples who request therapeutic support to find that from the beginning the desire of either of them to marry was stronger, establishing an unequal or unbalanced relationship of commitment from the beginning, with the consequences That entails.
The psychological divorce
The dissolution of a marriage, does not occur at the time of the signing of the administrative act, but is developed, from the earliest stages of the couple's commitment. Things do not break down overnight, they suffer a gradual and unconscious deterioration that erodes the relationship, even before starting. I call this initial wear and tear without solutions "psychological divorce."
Some indicators of “psychological divorce”, and that we should take into consideration are: indications of infidelity or consummated facts prior to the current relationship, differences in the field of sex (dysfunction, incompatible frequency, the level of satisfaction with the couple, etc.), face to the daily economic problems related to income distribution, the perception or illusion of escaping from current life or the possibility of remaking a new life, without having solved previous personal problems, the difference between the social values of the couple, such as; education, ideals or life projects, etc.
A separate point is the issue of communication between the members of the couple. It seems that women and men speak different languages to communicate. On the one hand, our gender differences make women more emotional and men more logical in their communication. On the other hand, opposite pairs or types are presented in the communication, as noted by Ubando (1996). As a result, there are couples where one of the members is introvert and the other extrovert in its communication (introversion-extraversion). Others are objective, while the other is more dreamer (Sensation-Intuition). And sometimes one communicates with logic and the other with emotions (Thought-Feeling).
Why and why are we still together?
Generally when a couple is in the dilemma of knowing if it is worth continuing together, within therapy it is important to know why? And for what? Continue with a relationship. If the couple has reached this point it is likely that the essence of living has deviated or they have simply never considered it.
Growing up, together with the loved one, respecting differences, continuing a relationship of commitment, evolving towards the same goal, simply does not exist. This of course does not deny or eliminate the presence of conflict in the relationship, which is inevitable. However, these are part of the obstacles that are worth "punishing" or fighting for a relationship.
On the other hand, Sometimes, living with the other, puts the couple in a vicious circle where they live, becomes habit or dependence.
Living together in the room and separated emotionally is another indicator of psychological divorce, where the inconsequential of everyday life becomes the topic of conversation. In the most serious cases, living under the same roof separated in different rooms, but together even emotionally, leaves the possibility of seeking a third person out of the relationship more open.
Codependence, custom or physical or emotional separation with the other, can last a lifetime.
In disadvantaged couples, feelings towards each other go in proportion to the reasons that led them to separate. When the event has been very worn, the separation can be a liberating element. However, when both members assume to be more or less well and there is some event that triggers the separation, the fact is more traumatic and painful, due to the unexpected event.
In the duel the first phase is the "denial", which consists in not believing the consummation of the event (divorce), above all, because there are no reasons that explain how the positive emotional investment with the couple has ended. Sometimes it is confused with a bad dream or a nightmare, with the illusion that things are temporary and will improve.
Subsequently, a state of "frustration" is presented accompanied by feelings or aggressive actions towards the other, or towards oneself, or towards whom perceptually it propitiated the dissolution of the bond. This sentimental state is sometimes accompanied by the loss of spiritual sense or "faith" of the belief system itself.
Next, the patient goes through the "substitution", at this stage he is able to acquire new social skills and that prepares you for the phase of “Acceptance or resolution of the conflict”In this last stage, the patient is able to re-interpret the past and can adapt to live a new reality of their partner situation. Sometimes it is posed in a healthier way to give yourself the possibility of establishing a new relationship.
The vision towards the future
When a patient has beaten the stage of the duel after the break, is able to accept the responsibility in the conflict in a healthy way, because as in any chemical compound, it is an element of the formula with the other, and is able to understand it.
The most important thing is to consider the event as a behavior that brought its consequences and learning. In spite of everything, it offers the possibility to evolve and grow. To reverse and take advantage of the consequences to grow and adapt to the change of life.
Learning from the past is the strategy to build new social networks (make new friends), or recover the closest ones (previous friends), or raise the possibility of re-organizing the family environment again. The recovery process includes; consider new life projects.
Suggestions for change
"Love does not consist in looking at each other, but in looking both in the same direction" (Antoine de Saint Exupéry, author of the Little Prince)
As a strategy for change, it is worth taking into account the following:
- To rebuild a relationship again, "the blur and new account, never works”, Is how to expect a magical arrangement of things, without having done anything.
- Improve and understand the different forms of communication: between genders, languages (Ubando, 1996) and those analyzed by the Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), offer the possibility of being more specific and specific to transmit an idea and grow as a couple despite differences
- Analyze the way a couple originated, realize the probability of their possible future. "Origin strongly influences destiny."
- Taking the initial commitment of the couple seriously can strengthen the bonds of union between future consorts.
- Never, never, but never, assume that the relationship is good, just because of the fact that "I feel good in the relationship."
- Solving everyday problems is a great salvation table, because when they accumulate, from little pile to little pile, a huge mountain of conflicts is created.
In the inevitable
- In the worst case, when the dissolution of the link is decided and inevitable, it is better to reach a good arrangement than a bad lawsuit. It is convenient to think with the head and not let the heart resolve or visceral behavior.
- When the lawsuits are extended, in addition to losing the consorts, the children are the most disadvantaged and the lawyers are the only beneficiaries.
- Remember that your child learns what he sees. A maximum of lawyers is: "children of divorced parents, divorced will be in adulthood."
“Marriage is like a small garden that you have to constantly take care of. You have to be on top of him. It is the only way to grow, evolve and stay together " (Bruce Willis -actor-, cited in Castells 1999)
“Suffering is not your destiny, it is your decision”.
“What makes your rose more important is the time you spend each day”.
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