The bulk of our relationships is not love
How I know? The tree is known for its fruits. A good part of these relationships is dependency and / or codependence. Attachment. It is also unbridled search to fill existential gaps. May another person make us happy. We play, according to psychologist Steve Karpman, roles of saviors, victims or persecutors.
They help in exchange for maintaining dependence on others towards them. They require victims. If they don't find them, they invent them. Because their help is unauthorized, they constantly complain about their efforts. They say they take advantage of their generosity. They believe that others need them, and assume responsibility for solving their victims' problems, because they believe they cannot ask for help or resolve their situation.
They manage to do things wrong; self-sabotage They send implicit and explicit messages complaining about their helplessness. Their behavior is self-destructive and they cause their humiliation or suffering.. They pretend to be baffled. His attitude to life is usually: "I am wrong, you are wrong and we will manage to make me worse." Or: "I'm wrong, you're fine and I want you to take care of my discomfort."
They behave aggressively. They want to meet their needs and act thinking only in their interest, putting others in difficult situations of suffering, humiliation. His slogan is: "Pisa before they step on you"Your favorite game is"I catch you".
Eric Berne, psychologist and creator of Transactional Analysis, ensures that we transact with our ego states: Father, Adult or Child. In general, our relationships are attachment. Addiction to relationships and / or sex. We interact with the inner Child, preventing the inner Adult from thinking, reasoning and making understood decisions. We are more emotional than rational. Sexual, emotional, sentimental, economic adhesions confirm it. That way it doesn't grow, it doesn't mature. There are no characterological changes. Spaces are invaded, limits are disrespected, walls are erected. Abuse and abuse are "normal." They are sick relationships culminated in fights, bitter arguments, resentments, hatreds. Or, in order to avoid public scandals, masks are used. Do you know marriages or courtships that end in good terms? Few!
What does the average human look for in a relationship?
To replace their lack of love and affection
Overcome feelings of abandonment and rejection arisen in childhood by abandonment, repudiation and humiliation of abandoning and abusive parents. We are gregarious. By sense of belonging we seek company, society, clubs, groups. According to needs and interests, we group. Many feel lonely phobia ignoring that it is balm to heal wounds that inflicts a conflictive relationship and attachment. That not wanting to be alone impels us to get involved in toxic relationships that suffer from sorrow, crying, bitterness.
"I love you but I can live without you"It shows that although I love my spouse I can live without her. I own my mind, feelings, emotions, will. Of my soul. I am free. It does not mean that I do not love her. It does not mean that I do not love her or I don't care about the relationship, but the contract of being together does not contribute to the growth and maturation of the relationship, it is atrophied, it is insane.
Loving someone very much is not bad. Pernicious is that it becomes essential. Who lives attached is vulnerable to losses. When you have them, you will want to die or do crazy things. There is no guarantee that my consort will be with me all my life. But it is a fact that I will live with me until the end of my days. Hence the unavoidable of not being attached. Learn to live with me even in solitude. Being addicted to detachment, however, is not freedom but being schizoid. We humans cannot live without affection. Affection without attachment. No addiction
A wish is not attachment
It is the impossibility of living without him. To love my wife is not to be attached. But love her more than me, it's serious. Attachment It is my inability to give up the relationship knowing its dysfunctionality. Why do most of our relationships end badly? They start badly. Courtship is almost non-existent; It is not a time of knowledge of temperaments and characters but of harmful caresses and selfish sex. If there is something that is attached and tyrannical, it is sex. If there is something that threatens a relationship, it is sexual intimacy without compromise. I like sex, I enjoy sex, but I can live without it. That is freedom. If I can't live without sex, I'm sick. Before the engagement, the rules have been relaxed. What is diluted before the commitment is extremely difficult to teach and accept responsibility.
Detachment is not indifference or heartbreak but a healthy way to deal with the opposite sex, with my complement. Detachment makes me independent; Not to be possessive, controlling, oppressive. To be detached is not to look for affective replacement. A nail does not remove another nail. This prevents healing and growth. It is possible to love without attachment. Without being suicidal. That is freedom. Walter Riso writes: "It is one thing to defend the emotional bond and another very different to hang with it".
J. Enrique Cáceres-Arrieta