In detail

Keys to understanding the relationship between anger and jealousy in the couple

Keys to understanding the relationship between anger and jealousy in the couple

One of the emotions that jealousy produces is anger.

The Rage, apart from a disease of some animals, the Royal Academy of the Spanish Language defines it as anger, anger, big anger. In psychology we know that it is one of the so-called basic emotions and that it is generally synonymous with these that the SAR says, plus others such as resentment, anger, irritability. According to the Department of Health Psychology of the University of Alicante (Institutional Repository of the UA), to give just one example, anger is a “emotion linked to the confrontation of frustrating or harmful events and, to those interpreted as premeditated, unjustifiable and avoidable. A burst of anger (rage) apparently calms, however it has been observed that, frequently, getting angry causes us an even more intense reaction of rage”.


  • 1 The directions in which rage in jealousy points
  • 2 Dangerous limits
  • 3 Willpower is not enough

The directions in which rage in jealousy points

The jealousy, more than an emotion in itself, is a mixture of several, including rage, fear, sadness. But let's focus on anger.

This emotion in relationships, arising from jealousy, has several directions:

  • That of the person who is jealous and ...
  • ... that of the person who is the recipient of these.

In the scheme below we see some of these directions. How it affects the person in charge, the rage of the person with jealous tendencies, is an extensive topic and requires its own treatment so we will address it at another time. For now we focus on the elements of anger in those who feel jealousy.

Anger in the person who feels jealousy can manifest itself in one of the directions, by the need to control your partner, by the feeling (or belief) that your partner is yours, as a valuable material object, that nobody and nothing should even touch. In another orientation, anger can arise from fear, or insecurity, about your personal worth and what it brings to the relationship, which fills you with uncertainty about the possibility that your partner may leave with another person.

And a third direction, combination and consequence of the previous two, is that rabies reaches the limits of abuse and systematic violence.

Dangerous limits

In either case, rage or anger, as manifestations of our aggressive tendencies in the face of fear, frustration or attack, must be deliberately addressed to manage it in the most constructive way possible.

We cannot point to anger simply as something negative. It is part of us, and great achievements have been made in history thanks to this aggressive tendency that we humans have.

Problems arise when that aggressiveness begins to pass certain levels, when it starts hurting us and who we say we love. Then, it is necessary to intervene.

There are three key indicators to know that the aggressive trend is reaching dangerous limits:

  • Self-aggression When the person, in an effort not to direct their anger towards their partner, ends up venting their aggression by harming themselves.
  • The physical limit While psychological, social, sexual and economic aggression are equally serious, an indicator that a limit has been passed is when there is already direct physical contact (hitting, pulling, pulling) or indirect (throwing things or damaging one's own or other objects). the couple).
  • The social judgment When we "make scenes" of jealousy or aggressive in social situations such as meetings, restaurants, workplace, regardless of social judgment, we can say that anger is reaching harmful levels. It is not that we care or not what others say, it is that the level of aggressive emotional saturation has reached such a level that the person does not calculate the social and criminal repercussions that an attack of rage can mean in a place public or in the presence of people outside the relationship.

Willpower is not enough

To manage rage (and jealousy) generally willpower is not enough. So it is always necessary the intervention of external agents such as courses, workshops, experiential experiences for the management of emotions or if none of this seems to make a difference to attend a psychology professional.

There are many anger management techniques. These are located in a scenario that includes self-knowledge, physical, mental and social exercises, “breathing and meditation techniques”, occupational therapy, art therapy, laughter therapy, yoga, support groups, diet changes and even external support techniques, such as sponsors / therapeutic godmothers, lifestyle or city changes.

Once people have learned to manage their anger to some degree, the litmus test is to expose them to situations where their anger is usually "shot" to determine how far they have learned, but although the matter is not easy, it is possible.

Finally, I reiterate that the component of rage in jealousy is one of the most complex to attend since it is possible that if they reach a certain level, the relationship is broken (or a misfortune happens), with which the person who wants Learning to handle them may have the feeling that it was too late to have done something to reduce these aggressive tendencies or behaviors.

What other manifestations of rage have you seen in people who have a tendency to jealousy?


//, p. fifteen.