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Why do individuals initially dislike things that they end up ultimately liking?

Why do individuals initially dislike things that they end up ultimately liking?


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Background: I noticed with a lot of things, but especially music I tend to hate certain songs and albums initially but they always seem to grow on me, and vice versa. I noticed this pattern in a lot of my friends as well so my question is:

Why do humans dislike things they normally like later on?


It could be the case that it takes time to like some thinks. We get habituated by being exposed to the same stimuli, here music. The dislike decreases after repeated presentations and the likeness may occur, if at all. At the same time, there is a continuous 'strive' between 'familiarity' and 'change'. The experience of 'change' we face by listening to some songs at the beginning, might become the experience of 'familiar' sounds and the liking could develop. The same experience I've had with some food preparations.


One relevant piece of research is the research on the “mere exposure” effect. Basically, the idea is that being exposed to something novel is enough to make you like it a little bit more. The most common interpretation is that we generally like the things we can understand/process easily and that repeated exposures makes the stimulus more familiar and thus easier to process. This goes under the name “processing fluency”.


Dismantling hate

One night in 1983, Daryl Davis, a black blues musician, was playing with a country band in an all-white Maryland bar. During a break between sets, a white man started chatting with him. "In the course of our conversation, he said it was the first time he'd had a drink with a black man. I asked why. He revealed he was a member of the KKK," Davis recalls.

Surprisingly, Davis's first reaction wasn't fear, but curiosity. He had grown up in a military family and spent much of his youth abroad. He attended international schools with people of all races, nationalities and religions. It wasn't until he was 10, living in Massachusetts, that he experienced racism for the first time when he was pelted by bottles. Since that grim introduction, he'd been undertaking a quiet quest to answer a simple question: "How can you hate me if you don't even know me?"

Talking to the man in the bar, Davis realized, "That was the perfect time to get the answer to my question." After befriending Davis, the man eventually renounced his Klan membership. In the years since, Davis has sat down with more than 100 other Klan members and leaders, bonding with them over shared interests in music or family. He estimates that perhaps two-thirds of them have ultimately left the KKK. "I never set out to convert anybody. Initially I didn't think they could be changed. I just wanted the answer to my question," he says.

Davis's experience is a living illustration of contact theory in action. Formally proposed by psychologist Gordon Allport, PhD, in the 1950s, the theory states that contact between two groups can promote tolerance under certain conditions, such as having common goals. "If you spend five minutes with your worst enemy, you'll find you have something in common," Davis says. "If you nurture those commonalities, your skin color or who you worship matters less and less. You begin to forge a relationship. If you nurture the relationship, you begin to forge a friendship."

Identifying ways to counter hate and unite people has been given new urgency at a time when hate groups are on the rise. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), over the last two decades in the United States there has been a sharp rise in hate groups, from 457 in 1999 to 917 this year. That spike dipped a little beginning in 2011, but it began to rise sharply again in 2015—a trend the SPLC attributes to a presidential campaign that gave voice to anti-immigrant sentiments and other divisive rhetoric.

Of course, hate is not a new problem, as history has proven time and again. It's clear, though, that certain social and environmental factors can fan the flames of hostility. Social psychology research can help identify those factors and suggest possible ways to douse the flames.


Exam3 - Ch.10 Aggression, Ch.11 Attraction/Intimacy, Ch.12 Helping Behavior

Conrad Lorenz - interested in imprinting (how offspring imprint to their parents) and genetically wired aggression (stickleback fish see a certain marking and attack, even if it is just painted onto a football)

Ethology conceptualizes aggression as internal enrgy released by external cues = STEAM-BOILER MODEL (letting off steam)

Main database: Animal studies and correlational studies in humans

Main database comes from twin (especially raised apart) and adoption studies

Main database: Comparisons of violent and non-violent individuals

Main database: Case studies

Main database: Experimental studies

Main database: Experimental studies

Main database: Experimental and observational studies

Main database: Experimental and longitudinal studies

Main database: Correlational, experimental, and longitudinal studies

They were building married housing at MIT.

Sexually mature features
(Men attracted to women with promiment cheekbones, women to men with broad jaw)

Body type:
Men prefer women with large breasts, esp. accompanied by relatively trim waist (W:H = 0.7)
Women prefer men with large shoulders, esp. acoompanied by relatively trim wast (W:H = 0.9)

Women prefer tall men across cultures.

A and B could be Adam and Betty.
X could be something or someone else totally different: another person, a political candidate, anything else toward which A and B might feel differently (maybe the parents of A or B!)

So let's say A and B have a positive relationship, but X is the Xbox. A has a positive relationship with the Xbox, but B has a negative relationship.

3 Possibilities:
1) Adam can cut ties with his Xbox, so AX would become negative, and the overall product would be positive.

2) Betty can learn to like the Xbox, so BX becomes positive, and the overall product becomes positive.

Perceivers who perceive fear and perceive that those with them also feel fear

Greater consumption of alcohol produces greater attraction

• Moral Model - you got yourself into the problem, you should get yourself out.
• Compensatory Model - like affirmative action. Society provides resoucres to help out.
• Medical Model of Helpfulness - It's not your fault you get sick, and we will provide treatment and care until you get better.
• Enlightenment Model - Ex: Yeah it's your fault you are alcoholic, but you can't get out on your own so here's a 12 step program and a group and we will help you.

if (AdoptOther'sPerspective = true):
EmotionalResponse = Empathetic concern
Motive = altruism
SatisfyMotiveBy = Help

else if (AdoptOther'sPerspective = false):
EmotionalResponse = PersonalDistress
Motive = Egoism
SatisfyMotiveBy = Escape OR Helping

I) Lady theorized that indifference of others was due to__________________

II) Before helping, you must:
1. Notice the Situation
- The area was crazy busy, so people might not have noticed her!
- There are social norms: you don't stare at other people.

2. Interpret the Situation:
- She said she was not hysterical. SHe might have been crying, but she didn't seem hysterical.
- She had her hand to her face and was wearing black. Could you tell right away it was an emergency?
- She did not notice any alarm anywhere - we look to others to determine whether we are in an emergency. And we almost always look unalarmed, so no one interprets it as an emergency -> Pluralistic Ignorance

3. Take Responsibility for Helping
- Bystander effect - when lots of people are around -> Diffusion of responsibility - we feel someone else can and should help

4. Decide How to Help
- Help directly?
- Help indirectly? (By calling others)


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We have almost been broken up for 2 months. My ex has stayed in contact the whole time, but has been hot and cold. He stopped saying good morning for the first time the other day. And the following day we didn’t talk at all even tho we had been for the entirety since the breakup. I sent him a message that said, “Hey, I am always here if you if you need me and I love you, but I needed to learn to be alone. Its a beautiful process. Thank you for that” I told him this also bc his friend died last month and I dont want him to think he can’t come to me. He responded “Do what you need to. Hope you had a good weekend, love you” i havent talked to him in just 2 days. I feel like he needed space…

My relationship of almost 4 years just ended. He told me he wasn’t sure if he was loving me or just being attached at this point. And was afraid he wanted to protect our relationship for the wrong reasons. The 3 first years were without any real discord, we never really fought and were pretty good at communicating, but it all changed in November last year when time wasn’t on our side.

He recently got feelings for a coworker, I learnt about it from that girl’s BF -now ex too – and we tried to work it out, then in the midst of it all he confessed that he cheated when drunk 7 months ago and kept lying over multiple things to hide it. And that ever since he was sabotaging our relationship, hoping I would just leave and he’d never have to face it – he said I would not have to deal with that trauma if I just left and everything could have been easier for me to move on-

I was ready to forgive him, try one more time, first he was tempted, but the day after he decided it was better for us to stop it all there. His excuse was that he would only hurt me more and that if he really loved me he would not have done those mistakes.

It’s been 3 days and we talked lightly through text, so far I feel like I still love him and I’m attempting a no contact – either to see if he’ll come around or help myself move on- but it breaks my heart even more.
I feel a bit at lost, I was deeply convinced we were good for each others

My girlfriend of a year dumped me a month ago saying she all of the feelings suddenly. She’s been wanting her space since then however I had been trying to get her back, contacting her almost every day and due to her getting annoyed because of this we’ve also had several fights. Our relationship was a really good one, and even she agrees that the breakup did not happen due to anything going wrong in the relationship. We hadn’t met since the last 4 months due to lockdown restrictions in the entire country and I had been trying to explain her it might be a possible reason as to why she might have suddenly felt a change in her feelings as many of us have been going through a lot already these days but she has been stern on her decision since day 1. Is it too late to start the no contact rule after a month of breaking up? I hope not.

Hey C no it isnt too late but you now need to go into a 45 day because you gnatted your ex so much.

I would like some advice on how long my NC should last and count from when. My ex dumped me by text a month ago and I accepted peacefully, but requested for a meetup for good end. He said still have feelings for me but cannot see a future on us thus i begged and pleaded during the meeting. It’s a 9 month relationship with not much fighting, except for once we went NC for 3 wks as he suggested “need some time”.
A month before the official “breakup” I start feeling him loosing interest in me so insisted to have a talk by the end and stop contacting him for few days after that. End up he concluded has lost confidence in our relationship and decided to end it.
He said would like to remain friends, I agreed a week later by text and go on NC since then…

Hi, I just recently broke up with my depressed significant other. We’ve been dating for about five months and I had strong feelings towards him since we started off as really close friends, I thought I could handle it because I believed that as long as I was supportive and gave him the love he needed he’ll be fine. Well, actually I understood that he had bad days because I had a past of dealing with a depressed friend/other. Yet I knew there were times that he couldn’t just cooperate especially when it would hit him. He would isolate himself from the whole world, I knew it was coming and part of the process that’s why I tried to help him for quite a long time despite the fact that I was also really focused on my career.

I’m aware that his whole life wasn’t easy but I was under huge stress, I am the type of person who also values my family related responsibilities. He is very caring, sweet, and understanding. But once depression hit him real bad, at first when we were friends I knew how to handle it when we were together, I was dragged with it. It wasn’t healthy either for the both of us, I didn’t have enough tolerance and I knew that both of us deserved better and needed to accept the fact that we weren’t just compatible for each other.

But after breaking up, I felt I really felt guilty I couldn’t sleep well everytime it hits me (until now), I feared that he would harm himself because of this and his family related issues including his depression, and I’m not a heartless person. I wanted things to work out but there were so much toxic moments when we tolerated each other’s negative traits to avoid offending or triggering each other’s feelings.

We ended it in formal way, I knew he was hurt but even I was hurt since I loved him a lot. Yet we are in good terms. I told him if he ever needed me in terms of emergencies, I was still there and still willing to help. I reminded that I cared as a friend. We had no baggage whatsoever just remorse and guilt for me while he is dealing with confusion and loneliness. Though, it was for the best.

I’m writing here because I really need some advice on how to move on, I never wanted things to end this way. I tried and I’m aware that I failed. I knew that I hurt someone during their worst state. I admit that I became selfish but it would end up toxic if we were still together.

Hi Leila, it is good that you realised that you needed to do what is right for you and that you do not want the relationship to turn toxic. To move on from someone the advice would be similar, where you go into a No Contact, but this time it would be indefinitely, and just spend some time working on yourself and taking actions that you know are going to make your life better and make you happier

My ex broke up with me last week
He done this over what’s app
We had been together 6 months and in that time I got pregnant but had a miscarriage.
His excuse for breaking up with me was that we don’t like the same things or have anything in common and the distance (25 mins away)

He hasn’t got any social media we only contacted threw msg and what’s app

I have started the no contact rule but I am scared it won’t work

I have very strong feelings towards him and there are things we do like I felt like he made that as a excuse

Would love some advice please
UK based

Hey Helen, so I think he found an excuse to end things yes, but you need to ask yourself if there was a long term plan of you being together (not LDR) if he could not see that coming that could be why, especially as the UK is going through a messy lock down. No Contact, as much as it feels wrong, works wonders and it does great things for you too if you stick with it!

Heyy,
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were together for 9 months, we have a lot of amazing memories together and a really deep connection + deep love. When he ended it, I accepted it because I can’t accept to be with someone who isn’t certain about me. He told me we’re not compatible, which isn’t true. He cried the whole time and took me home, didn’t want to let me go. The moment I got home I blocked him from everything because I wanted to start moving on without any temptations.
I want him back, I love him and I know the love between us was and is real.
I just worry that he might not come back for whatever reason. I naturally started the NC rule, that’s just how I am, breakup for me means that’s it.
Also, on 2 occasions he took a break and came back claiming he never doubted the relationship but was exhausted and needed the space for himself.

My ex and I were together two years. He is two years younger. We’re in our mid 20’s. It was a good relationship with many happy memories and helping eachother through hard times. He broke up me because he said he didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to break promises to me. That was his only reason for dumping me and it was very out of the blue. I begged and asked what went wrong but he kept saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. I did no contact 30 days and got a positive response. We had been texting a while which had been good however it’s mostly me reaching out. I let my emotions get the better of me he acted rude to me. We both apologized and he said he’s giving me space to heal that’s all. So I went into no contact for a week. He has a big case with his work that I had been helping him with and was going to wish him good luck. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I continue to try and reach out? Or go no contact?

Hi Mel no you need to complete a full 30 days No contact not a week. You need to work on yourself in that time and be sure to focus on your Holy Trinity

hi! my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me recently because he was not sure whether he wanted to marry me down the line, and we are in our mid-20s so he did not want to waste my time when he was figuring out what he wanted. we did no contact for a week and then talked in person for “closure”, he says he wants to be close friends but it is too hard to talk. I really want him back, I’m pretty sure he’s being stupid and I know he’s the one. would doing more no contact help?

Hi Charlotte, yes no contact will help but you must stick to it and work on your holy trinity during the 30 days

When will her anger subside? I got sick in 2019 and could not work for 9 months, she had to support us. Prior to that she never paid for anything, secretly resented me for it. Was dumped via text after 3 years living together, never led on anything was wrong. Then proceeded to smear me to everyone, put our 15 yr old rescue dog down XMAS Eve without letting me know, told me she wanted to be alone and overnight added 200 local single guys on Facebook. Added my deceased childhood friends family to make me mad, added all my enemies even my son’s mother who she couldnt stand and buddied up with her? Flirts with guys she normally makes fun of, muscle gym rats, trophy hunters, 60yr olds, 18yr olds. She doesn’t have 1 piercing, tattoo or jewelry and now wants these big tattoo portraits? Has blocked and unblocked me 5x. Recently I found mysejd unblocked on everything and we slowly started communication positively. She was still posting tweets aimed at me that were negative and attempts to make me jealous. I’ve put 32 lbs on muscle in the gym, got a promotion, going back to school, returned to my hobbies and volunteering but the more I improve the angrier she gets. She gets really mad when I go NC but will ask me a question, I respond and she ignores it for days? Ive given her $5000 to help pay her bills, showered her with thoughtful expensive gifts for XMAS, Valentine’s Day, Birthday…no thank you or acknowledging them? When I recently asked for my stuff she instantly blocked me and said she will call authorities? Ive been asking for 6 months now!! She checks my social media over 100x a day now over and over. I still have house keys she won’t take back, she blames me for everything wrong in her life and even after saying how happy she is I can tell she is miserable, put weight on and looks depressed. Like she just wants to punish me, me to chase so she can reject, play games and attempt to make me jealous. Tells everyone I used her!! I never cheated, abused her, treated her like a princess. She puts this tough attitude on like she has to impress her friends and win this breakup at all cost even if she breaks her own heart. I feel like she thinks I’ve treated him so bad that I can’t EVER see him because he has all the right to hate me. Any ideas what I should do or is this sweet, innocent, kind girl Really a covert narcissist I didn’t see because I’ve never dealt with that?

Hi Chris, she is not displaying very healthy traits right now but I do think that you need to stick to your guns about No Contact as she most likely feels that she can have you back when she wants you (and no more gifts etc). While she speaks badly of you on social media and to friends, rise above it. The more you work on yourself, the angrier she gets, this is probably a little resentment that you are not chasing her. Keep focused on you, ignore her attempts and questions. Let her be angry and let her self destruct because she is going to have to realise her actions are more like a teenage girl not a grown woman.

Recently I’ve been very stressed over the covid situation and not being able to see him. I’ve been upset for the last month (and unfortunately took it out on him) and finally he couldn’t take it anymore. I feel this is somewhat unfair due to this not being a normal circumstance, especially after 2 years. I apologized (in an admittedly long emotional text) and he said he wasn’t sure. He wanted to continue to be friends and text but I told him I needed time. How long should my NC be?

Hi Rosie, I would suggest that you follow a 45 No Contact as during this time it is highly emotional for everyone and we struggle to deal with those emotions. Take some time to be kind to yourself and allow space between you and your ex for now

we were together for 4 years plus.
during the 4 years we like always argue & all. & we argue like over the same thing which is me always being insecure & like overthink a lot. so on may 2019 we broke up but then 1 month later he came back to me. we decided to work things out & all & like he told me he accepted me for who i am as a person & all. so from then now we were okay la until when he started interning quite recently at f45 (the workout studio). ever since then i was more insecure & i always jealous even when he just talking to his girl colleague. but he has always assured me.
but i still keep getting insecure over the same thing that he assured me about. so we met up to talk & share our feelings out.

then i told him like i’m unhappy cause he don’t give me attention now that he’s interning & all he talks about is about his intern life. like he don’t even bother asking me about my life & all. & also he don’t show me enough affection which made me felt like he lost interest in me. so after i shared my feelings, he started telling me that my insecurities is slowly killing the relationship which makes him want to leave. so then he made the decision to break up with me. but a few days later, he called to ask if we could meet up & have a talk. so yea i went to meet him & we talked. then after the talk i asked him if this was a break up or like us taking a break from each other? he said it’s just us taking a break from each other & giving space to each other. he told me to trust him on this & that he won’t contact anyone & such as he just wanted to focus on himself.

during this “taking a break from each other” period, there was a friend (i didn’t rly know her that well) but she kept telling me that mark is contacting someone.

i didn’t trust her uh but then idk why after a few days, i just kinda snapped & i went to confront mark. but i confronted him in a manner that wasn’t nice & he got pissed. & he kept telling me that he isn’t contacting anyone & he’s pissed that i didn’t trust him. so he couldn’t take it & decided to just really end things. so he told me he gave up & blocked me right after that.

Hi me and my boyfriend broke up a few days ago, with haven’t seen eachother in a couple of weeks due to what’s going on in the world, anyway he broke up with me as he felt his mental health wasn’t great and this meant his feelings towards me have changed? What should I do? In total we have been together 4 years but about 2 years ago we broke up for about 8 weeks.

Hi Lizzie, I would suggest that you allow your ex that time and take it as a No Contact where you focus on yourself. If he has got mental health issues he is going to need to do what is best for him to feel better


The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists

The inherently dysfunctional &ldquocodependency dance&rdquo requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict).

Codependents &mdash who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others &mdash do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic &mdash individuals who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them. Codependents habitually find themselves on a &ldquodance floor&rdquo attracted to partners who are a perfect counter-match to their uniquely passive, submissive and acquiescent dance style.

As natural followers in their relationship dance, codependents are passive and accommodating dance partners. So how can they stop being such natural followers?

Codependents find narcissistic dance partners deeply appealing. They are perpetually attracted to their charm, boldness, confidence and domineering personality.

When codependents and narcissists pair up, the dancing experience sizzles with excitement &mdash at least in the beginning. After many &ldquosongs,&rdquo the enthralling and thrilling dance experience predictably transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and being trapped. Even with chaos and conflict, neither of the two spellbound dancers dares to end their partnership. Despite the tumultuous and conflict-laden nature of their relationship, neither of these two opposite, but dysfunctionally compatible, dance partners feel compelled to sit the dance out.

When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives. The codependent reflexively gives up their power since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on.

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As generous &mdash but bitter &mdash dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the next song, at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs.

Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.

The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them: Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent and appreciated. In other words, the narcissist feels most comfortable with a dancing companion who matches up with their self-absorbed and boldly selfish dance style. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem &mdash codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they are able to control both the dancer and the dance.

Although all codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner to whom they are initially attracted, but will ultimately resent. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner and comfortably sit the dance out until someone healthy comes along, they typically choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. They dare not leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.

Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent is incapable of choosing mutually giving and unconditionally loving partners. Their choice of a narcissistic dance partner is connected to their unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar &mdash someone who is reminiscent of their powerless and, perhaps, traumatic childhood. Sadly, codependents are most likely children of parents who also flawlessly danced the dysfunctional codependent/narcissistic dance. Their fear of being alone, their compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and their comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child.

Although codependents dream of dancing with an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny. Until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to dance with their narcissistic dance partners, they will be destined to maintain the steady beat and rhythm of their dysfunctional dance.


Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You But Won't Let You Go Easily

Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience youll have in your life. Its wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand.

Just when you think youve come out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another one and there doesnt seem to be any relief in sight.

Its absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like youve finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.

Its as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul. As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as youand they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.

The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and youve accepted in your heart and soul that its time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate.

Its so utterly confusing. Why do they do this?Are they a tortured soulwho is so wounded that they just cant help it? Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?

As a person who loves the narcissist, its usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors. We can identify with what we believe is their inner painbut this is a story we tell ourselves. A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.

There is a reason they do this, but its hard to digest. Sometimes, though, we need the truth because its the one thing that can finally set us free.

The reason youve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them.

But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but wont let you go easily.

The narcissist views you as a feebleunderling one which provides them with wonderful supply. So, though they couldnt care less about you as a person, they dont want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with youalbeit it a torturous one.

They wont let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone.

Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions.

They want the benefits without all the damage control. They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.

This is why, when you try to make them see how theyre hurting you, it is utterly pointless. In fact, its during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissists personalityand its chilling.

Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do, but just have a hard time showing it.

They are nothing like you andno amount of unconditional love will change this fact. When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissists wounded self.

This will never happen and its important to accept this painful truth.

Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors. In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.

Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established. This may be to avoid the narcissists wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist youre not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, its a budding system of enabling.


They made that up

Imagination Land

Call it a cheap shot to say they "made up" imagination, but hear us out.

In 2013, scientists put subjects inside an MRI scanner to see which parts of their brains lit up during imagination. Several key structures seemed to be involved, but ultimately the research hit the same dead end that a lot of imagination research hits.

We just don't know how we do it.

Perhaps that is the biggest complaint one can lob at the movie's treatment of imagination. Psychology doesn't know how imagination works well enough to depict it so fantastically.

When Joy, Sadness, and their sidekick Bing Bong — Riley's imaginary friend — enter Imagination Land's off-limit zone of Abstract Thought, they lose their complexity in four stages. By the fourth stage, the three characters have been reduced to colored amorphous blobs.

As we age into our teenage years, we really do gain the ability to think more abstractly than when we were kids. We think about concepts and ideas rather than just objects.

Herr admits, "I think that was one case where it was probably more artistic than it was brain science."

But then again, it is Pixar. A little artistic license is to be expected.


12 …And Really Believed Some Of Those Ideals

More than that – J.K. Rowling showed us exchanges between Dumbledore and Grindelwald that make it hard to believe he only loved Grindelwald and didn’t agree with the ideals he espoused. He truly thought that magical people were better than non-magical people. That was something he actually thought, and it’s hard to believe that only Grindelwald persuaded him to think this, because that’s a pretty big deal. Sure, he wasn’t quite on a level of wanting to massacre every Muggle and Muggle-born in sight like Voldemort was, but his morals definitely weren’t as high and mighty as he tries to portray them to be by the time he’s around Harry. 'Magic is might' is nothing short of prejudice and discrimination, and Dumbledore once took his part in that. Ew.


How “Sticky” is Your Mind?

A mind that lacks self acceptance is like a non stick frying pan. You can put things into the frying pan and even cook with it, but ultimately, whatever you put in will not stick and is easily removed.

In the same way, a lack of self acceptance and the subconscious processes that fuel it, will allow you to absorb new information into your mind, use it for a while, but soon lose what you learned and then go back to your old limiting beliefs.

This leaves you exactly where you first began, and so in the long run, no real progress is made.

When you lack self-acceptance it’s very difficult for anything positive to stick in your mind. As a result, you end up walking around in circles, never really going anywhere or achieving much in life.

The important point to remember here, is that through a lack of self acceptance you only strengthen the negative limiting beliefs that dwell inside your subconscious mind.

By fully accepting yourself however, you do not automatically make these limiting beliefs go away, but rather, you stop reinforcing them thereby making them weaker and weaker over time until they eventually die out on their own.

All beliefs in the mind, whether good or bad, need attention to grow just like a plant in a garden. If you neglect it, the plant will die. This is how beliefs work in the garden of your subconscious.

Every belief you have you either reinforce or weaken through your thoughts and actions. A lack of self acceptance is just one of the ways that people strengthen their limiting beliefs.

The battle for your subconscious mind

Because limiting beliefs do not immediately go away, but rather gradually weaken over time, self improvement is initially a battle between the conscious and subconscious mind.

Consciously, you may be trying to improve your life with new techniques and methods, but if you have a “non stick mind” and are lacking self acceptance, then your subconscious will constantly be trying to tell your conscious mind that things are not working, that they are not happening quick enough and that you should give up.

This occurs because there is an imbalance of opposing beliefs. Whilst you are trying to plant a new belief in the garden of your subconscious, your old belief is still there and still trying to influence you.

Because the new belief that you have planted is still young and weak, you will have to fight off that old belief until your new belief becomes stronger and your old belief fades away.

It takes time for new beliefs to grow from the subconscious and manifest themselves in your life.

It is during this time that the new belief you have planted is most vulnerable. If you do give up and go back to your old way of thinking, acting or doing, then the old subconscious belief wins which further reinforces it and makes it stronger. This then makes future battles that much more difficult.

This is precisely why persistence (i.e. the ability to keep going no matter what happens) and self-discipline (i.e. the ability to do what you know you should do, whether you feel like it or not) are so important when it comes to making meaningful and lasting positive changes to your life.

If you lack either of these two traits, then self-improvement becomes much more difficult.

Should the conscious mind persist and obtain victory, then the subconscious mind is forced to re-examine and change its initial belief, thereby incorporating your new belief.

This then makes future battles with the subconscious that much easier, until eventually, it is completely reprogrammed with the beliefs you want it to have.

Simultaneously this will also strengthen your level of persistence and self-discipline, which again makes future battles with the subconscious that much easier.

Two minds in the same mind

Just remember that self improvement is a constant battle between programmed beliefs in the subconscious mind and desired beliefs in the conscious mind.

Subconscious beliefs are always going to be much stronger than those in the conscious mind and so battles against the subconscious will be very difficult.

The goal of your conscious mind is to program your subconscious to act in a way that you want it to act.

However, this does not mean that such battles cannot be won. So if you are defeated, get up and try again because eventually the subconscious will give in if you persist for long enough.

The job of your conscious mind is to implant the best beliefs into your subconscious and to then hold your ground until that new belief has had time to establish itself and the old belief has died away.

Once your new belief has been established, remember to reinforce it with your thoughts and actions because otherwise it may fade away and the good that you have done will be lost.


What do guys do after a breakup?

When it comes to handling a break-up, many people say that “women break up harder, but men break up longer.”

In other words, women typically engage in an emotional grieving process right after the breakup, whereas men initially stuff their feelings down and procrastinate on healing.

According to a study completed by researchers at New York’s Binghamton University , men typically experience anger right after a breakup and engage in more self-destructive behaviors as a result.

Some men turn to drinking and other mood-altering substances to dull their emotions after a breakup, whereas others turn to the gym to “sweat it out.”

What’s more, men often either stalk their ex on social media or completely erase any memory of them.

Also, many men jump right back into dating after a breakup — but not because they’re looking for something serious.

For the most part, it’s about the rush we all feel when we flirt and hook up with someone new. Because of this, men will often “rebound” with several women.

What’s most interesting, however, is the fact that men typically engage in these behaviors to maintain their self-esteem and avoid any appearance that the breakup damaged them.

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Why are guys so prideful?

Guys hold onto their pride even more than usual after a breakup. They don’t want anyone to see them shed a tear.

While most of us see this confidence and ability to easily move on as upsetting, the truth is that it’s not how it looks.

According to John Amodeo , psychologist and author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships , “Pride is often driven by poor self-worth and shame. We feel so badly about ourselves that we compensate by feeling superior.”

When it comes to breakups, men use their pride as a coping mechanism to avoid heartache. While this merely delays the inevitable, men seem to be hardwired to react in this way.

After all, society raises men to approach all emotions in a “masculine” way and “man up” when times get tough.

This is why many men mask their feelings after a breakup and avoid processing their grief by diving right back into dating someone new.

Also, men see failure as a sign of weakness and admitting that the end of a relationship hurts looks like failure.

Instead of sharing their feelings, men take on the “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality and put on a cloak of pride to cover up their pain.

Why do insecure guys move on so quickly?

As we mentioned, many guys try to cover up their insecurity by moving on immediately after a breakup.

Some guys believe the phrase “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” whereas others just think that someone new will make them feel better.

However, an insecure guy who quickly picks up someone new after a breakup is someone you may want to cut ties forever with. You can never keep a man's interest who is insecure like this. They will always justify moving on so, in this case, you should too.

Guys like this can never maintain successful long-term relationships because they haven’t taken the time to deal with their emotions and process why previous relationships failed.

Furthermore, clinical psychologist Josh Klapow shared in an interview with Psychology Today that this lack of emotional insight hinders a man’s ability to develop relationships in other ways.

When insecure men move on quickly, it ultimately prevents them from connecting with their partners on a deeper level.

This attitude ultimately makes men view relationships as "accomplishments" instead of meaningful partnerships.

When that happens, it starts a cycle of hookup after hookup where women become conquests, not people.

However, when men learn to feel secure with themselves and can fully experience vulnerability, they can break this cycle and learn to cope with the heartache of a breakup more effectively.


Exam3 - Ch.10 Aggression, Ch.11 Attraction/Intimacy, Ch.12 Helping Behavior

Conrad Lorenz - interested in imprinting (how offspring imprint to their parents) and genetically wired aggression (stickleback fish see a certain marking and attack, even if it is just painted onto a football)

Ethology conceptualizes aggression as internal enrgy released by external cues = STEAM-BOILER MODEL (letting off steam)

Main database: Animal studies and correlational studies in humans

Main database comes from twin (especially raised apart) and adoption studies

Main database: Comparisons of violent and non-violent individuals

Main database: Case studies

Main database: Experimental studies

Main database: Experimental studies

Main database: Experimental and observational studies

Main database: Experimental and longitudinal studies

Main database: Correlational, experimental, and longitudinal studies

They were building married housing at MIT.

Sexually mature features
(Men attracted to women with promiment cheekbones, women to men with broad jaw)

Body type:
Men prefer women with large breasts, esp. accompanied by relatively trim waist (W:H = 0.7)
Women prefer men with large shoulders, esp. acoompanied by relatively trim wast (W:H = 0.9)

Women prefer tall men across cultures.

A and B could be Adam and Betty.
X could be something or someone else totally different: another person, a political candidate, anything else toward which A and B might feel differently (maybe the parents of A or B!)

So let's say A and B have a positive relationship, but X is the Xbox. A has a positive relationship with the Xbox, but B has a negative relationship.

3 Possibilities:
1) Adam can cut ties with his Xbox, so AX would become negative, and the overall product would be positive.

2) Betty can learn to like the Xbox, so BX becomes positive, and the overall product becomes positive.

Perceivers who perceive fear and perceive that those with them also feel fear

Greater consumption of alcohol produces greater attraction

• Moral Model - you got yourself into the problem, you should get yourself out.
• Compensatory Model - like affirmative action. Society provides resoucres to help out.
• Medical Model of Helpfulness - It's not your fault you get sick, and we will provide treatment and care until you get better.
• Enlightenment Model - Ex: Yeah it's your fault you are alcoholic, but you can't get out on your own so here's a 12 step program and a group and we will help you.

if (AdoptOther'sPerspective = true):
EmotionalResponse = Empathetic concern
Motive = altruism
SatisfyMotiveBy = Help

else if (AdoptOther'sPerspective = false):
EmotionalResponse = PersonalDistress
Motive = Egoism
SatisfyMotiveBy = Escape OR Helping

I) Lady theorized that indifference of others was due to__________________

II) Before helping, you must:
1. Notice the Situation
- The area was crazy busy, so people might not have noticed her!
- There are social norms: you don't stare at other people.

2. Interpret the Situation:
- She said she was not hysterical. SHe might have been crying, but she didn't seem hysterical.
- She had her hand to her face and was wearing black. Could you tell right away it was an emergency?
- She did not notice any alarm anywhere - we look to others to determine whether we are in an emergency. And we almost always look unalarmed, so no one interprets it as an emergency -> Pluralistic Ignorance

3. Take Responsibility for Helping
- Bystander effect - when lots of people are around -> Diffusion of responsibility - we feel someone else can and should help

4. Decide How to Help
- Help directly?
- Help indirectly? (By calling others)


Dismantling hate

One night in 1983, Daryl Davis, a black blues musician, was playing with a country band in an all-white Maryland bar. During a break between sets, a white man started chatting with him. "In the course of our conversation, he said it was the first time he'd had a drink with a black man. I asked why. He revealed he was a member of the KKK," Davis recalls.

Surprisingly, Davis's first reaction wasn't fear, but curiosity. He had grown up in a military family and spent much of his youth abroad. He attended international schools with people of all races, nationalities and religions. It wasn't until he was 10, living in Massachusetts, that he experienced racism for the first time when he was pelted by bottles. Since that grim introduction, he'd been undertaking a quiet quest to answer a simple question: "How can you hate me if you don't even know me?"

Talking to the man in the bar, Davis realized, "That was the perfect time to get the answer to my question." After befriending Davis, the man eventually renounced his Klan membership. In the years since, Davis has sat down with more than 100 other Klan members and leaders, bonding with them over shared interests in music or family. He estimates that perhaps two-thirds of them have ultimately left the KKK. "I never set out to convert anybody. Initially I didn't think they could be changed. I just wanted the answer to my question," he says.

Davis's experience is a living illustration of contact theory in action. Formally proposed by psychologist Gordon Allport, PhD, in the 1950s, the theory states that contact between two groups can promote tolerance under certain conditions, such as having common goals. "If you spend five minutes with your worst enemy, you'll find you have something in common," Davis says. "If you nurture those commonalities, your skin color or who you worship matters less and less. You begin to forge a relationship. If you nurture the relationship, you begin to forge a friendship."

Identifying ways to counter hate and unite people has been given new urgency at a time when hate groups are on the rise. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), over the last two decades in the United States there has been a sharp rise in hate groups, from 457 in 1999 to 917 this year. That spike dipped a little beginning in 2011, but it began to rise sharply again in 2015—a trend the SPLC attributes to a presidential campaign that gave voice to anti-immigrant sentiments and other divisive rhetoric.

Of course, hate is not a new problem, as history has proven time and again. It's clear, though, that certain social and environmental factors can fan the flames of hostility. Social psychology research can help identify those factors and suggest possible ways to douse the flames.


Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You But Won't Let You Go Easily

Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience youll have in your life. Its wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand.

Just when you think youve come out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another one and there doesnt seem to be any relief in sight.

Its absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like youve finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.

Its as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul. As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as youand they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.

The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and youve accepted in your heart and soul that its time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate.

Its so utterly confusing. Why do they do this?Are they a tortured soulwho is so wounded that they just cant help it? Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?

As a person who loves the narcissist, its usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors. We can identify with what we believe is their inner painbut this is a story we tell ourselves. A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.

There is a reason they do this, but its hard to digest. Sometimes, though, we need the truth because its the one thing that can finally set us free.

The reason youve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them.

But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but wont let you go easily.

The narcissist views you as a feebleunderling one which provides them with wonderful supply. So, though they couldnt care less about you as a person, they dont want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with youalbeit it a torturous one.

They wont let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone.

Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions.

They want the benefits without all the damage control. They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.

This is why, when you try to make them see how theyre hurting you, it is utterly pointless. In fact, its during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissists personalityand its chilling.

Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do, but just have a hard time showing it.

They are nothing like you andno amount of unconditional love will change this fact. When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissists wounded self.

This will never happen and its important to accept this painful truth.

Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors. In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.

Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established. This may be to avoid the narcissists wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist youre not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, its a budding system of enabling.


The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists

The inherently dysfunctional &ldquocodependency dance&rdquo requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict).

Codependents &mdash who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others &mdash do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic &mdash individuals who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them. Codependents habitually find themselves on a &ldquodance floor&rdquo attracted to partners who are a perfect counter-match to their uniquely passive, submissive and acquiescent dance style.

As natural followers in their relationship dance, codependents are passive and accommodating dance partners. So how can they stop being such natural followers?

Codependents find narcissistic dance partners deeply appealing. They are perpetually attracted to their charm, boldness, confidence and domineering personality.

When codependents and narcissists pair up, the dancing experience sizzles with excitement &mdash at least in the beginning. After many &ldquosongs,&rdquo the enthralling and thrilling dance experience predictably transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and being trapped. Even with chaos and conflict, neither of the two spellbound dancers dares to end their partnership. Despite the tumultuous and conflict-laden nature of their relationship, neither of these two opposite, but dysfunctionally compatible, dance partners feel compelled to sit the dance out.

When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives. The codependent reflexively gives up their power since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on.

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As generous &mdash but bitter &mdash dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the next song, at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs.

Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.

The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them: Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent and appreciated. In other words, the narcissist feels most comfortable with a dancing companion who matches up with their self-absorbed and boldly selfish dance style. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem &mdash codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they are able to control both the dancer and the dance.

Although all codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner to whom they are initially attracted, but will ultimately resent. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner and comfortably sit the dance out until someone healthy comes along, they typically choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. They dare not leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.

Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent is incapable of choosing mutually giving and unconditionally loving partners. Their choice of a narcissistic dance partner is connected to their unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar &mdash someone who is reminiscent of their powerless and, perhaps, traumatic childhood. Sadly, codependents are most likely children of parents who also flawlessly danced the dysfunctional codependent/narcissistic dance. Their fear of being alone, their compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and their comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child.

Although codependents dream of dancing with an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny. Until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to dance with their narcissistic dance partners, they will be destined to maintain the steady beat and rhythm of their dysfunctional dance.


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We have almost been broken up for 2 months. My ex has stayed in contact the whole time, but has been hot and cold. He stopped saying good morning for the first time the other day. And the following day we didn’t talk at all even tho we had been for the entirety since the breakup. I sent him a message that said, “Hey, I am always here if you if you need me and I love you, but I needed to learn to be alone. Its a beautiful process. Thank you for that” I told him this also bc his friend died last month and I dont want him to think he can’t come to me. He responded “Do what you need to. Hope you had a good weekend, love you” i havent talked to him in just 2 days. I feel like he needed space…

My relationship of almost 4 years just ended. He told me he wasn’t sure if he was loving me or just being attached at this point. And was afraid he wanted to protect our relationship for the wrong reasons. The 3 first years were without any real discord, we never really fought and were pretty good at communicating, but it all changed in November last year when time wasn’t on our side.

He recently got feelings for a coworker, I learnt about it from that girl’s BF -now ex too – and we tried to work it out, then in the midst of it all he confessed that he cheated when drunk 7 months ago and kept lying over multiple things to hide it. And that ever since he was sabotaging our relationship, hoping I would just leave and he’d never have to face it – he said I would not have to deal with that trauma if I just left and everything could have been easier for me to move on-

I was ready to forgive him, try one more time, first he was tempted, but the day after he decided it was better for us to stop it all there. His excuse was that he would only hurt me more and that if he really loved me he would not have done those mistakes.

It’s been 3 days and we talked lightly through text, so far I feel like I still love him and I’m attempting a no contact – either to see if he’ll come around or help myself move on- but it breaks my heart even more.
I feel a bit at lost, I was deeply convinced we were good for each others

My girlfriend of a year dumped me a month ago saying she all of the feelings suddenly. She’s been wanting her space since then however I had been trying to get her back, contacting her almost every day and due to her getting annoyed because of this we’ve also had several fights. Our relationship was a really good one, and even she agrees that the breakup did not happen due to anything going wrong in the relationship. We hadn’t met since the last 4 months due to lockdown restrictions in the entire country and I had been trying to explain her it might be a possible reason as to why she might have suddenly felt a change in her feelings as many of us have been going through a lot already these days but she has been stern on her decision since day 1. Is it too late to start the no contact rule after a month of breaking up? I hope not.

Hey C no it isnt too late but you now need to go into a 45 day because you gnatted your ex so much.

I would like some advice on how long my NC should last and count from when. My ex dumped me by text a month ago and I accepted peacefully, but requested for a meetup for good end. He said still have feelings for me but cannot see a future on us thus i begged and pleaded during the meeting. It’s a 9 month relationship with not much fighting, except for once we went NC for 3 wks as he suggested “need some time”.
A month before the official “breakup” I start feeling him loosing interest in me so insisted to have a talk by the end and stop contacting him for few days after that. End up he concluded has lost confidence in our relationship and decided to end it.
He said would like to remain friends, I agreed a week later by text and go on NC since then…

Hi, I just recently broke up with my depressed significant other. We’ve been dating for about five months and I had strong feelings towards him since we started off as really close friends, I thought I could handle it because I believed that as long as I was supportive and gave him the love he needed he’ll be fine. Well, actually I understood that he had bad days because I had a past of dealing with a depressed friend/other. Yet I knew there were times that he couldn’t just cooperate especially when it would hit him. He would isolate himself from the whole world, I knew it was coming and part of the process that’s why I tried to help him for quite a long time despite the fact that I was also really focused on my career.

I’m aware that his whole life wasn’t easy but I was under huge stress, I am the type of person who also values my family related responsibilities. He is very caring, sweet, and understanding. But once depression hit him real bad, at first when we were friends I knew how to handle it when we were together, I was dragged with it. It wasn’t healthy either for the both of us, I didn’t have enough tolerance and I knew that both of us deserved better and needed to accept the fact that we weren’t just compatible for each other.

But after breaking up, I felt I really felt guilty I couldn’t sleep well everytime it hits me (until now), I feared that he would harm himself because of this and his family related issues including his depression, and I’m not a heartless person. I wanted things to work out but there were so much toxic moments when we tolerated each other’s negative traits to avoid offending or triggering each other’s feelings.

We ended it in formal way, I knew he was hurt but even I was hurt since I loved him a lot. Yet we are in good terms. I told him if he ever needed me in terms of emergencies, I was still there and still willing to help. I reminded that I cared as a friend. We had no baggage whatsoever just remorse and guilt for me while he is dealing with confusion and loneliness. Though, it was for the best.

I’m writing here because I really need some advice on how to move on, I never wanted things to end this way. I tried and I’m aware that I failed. I knew that I hurt someone during their worst state. I admit that I became selfish but it would end up toxic if we were still together.

Hi Leila, it is good that you realised that you needed to do what is right for you and that you do not want the relationship to turn toxic. To move on from someone the advice would be similar, where you go into a No Contact, but this time it would be indefinitely, and just spend some time working on yourself and taking actions that you know are going to make your life better and make you happier

My ex broke up with me last week
He done this over what’s app
We had been together 6 months and in that time I got pregnant but had a miscarriage.
His excuse for breaking up with me was that we don’t like the same things or have anything in common and the distance (25 mins away)

He hasn’t got any social media we only contacted threw msg and what’s app

I have started the no contact rule but I am scared it won’t work

I have very strong feelings towards him and there are things we do like I felt like he made that as a excuse

Would love some advice please
UK based

Hey Helen, so I think he found an excuse to end things yes, but you need to ask yourself if there was a long term plan of you being together (not LDR) if he could not see that coming that could be why, especially as the UK is going through a messy lock down. No Contact, as much as it feels wrong, works wonders and it does great things for you too if you stick with it!

Heyy,
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were together for 9 months, we have a lot of amazing memories together and a really deep connection + deep love. When he ended it, I accepted it because I can’t accept to be with someone who isn’t certain about me. He told me we’re not compatible, which isn’t true. He cried the whole time and took me home, didn’t want to let me go. The moment I got home I blocked him from everything because I wanted to start moving on without any temptations.
I want him back, I love him and I know the love between us was and is real.
I just worry that he might not come back for whatever reason. I naturally started the NC rule, that’s just how I am, breakup for me means that’s it.
Also, on 2 occasions he took a break and came back claiming he never doubted the relationship but was exhausted and needed the space for himself.

My ex and I were together two years. He is two years younger. We’re in our mid 20’s. It was a good relationship with many happy memories and helping eachother through hard times. He broke up me because he said he didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to break promises to me. That was his only reason for dumping me and it was very out of the blue. I begged and asked what went wrong but he kept saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. I did no contact 30 days and got a positive response. We had been texting a while which had been good however it’s mostly me reaching out. I let my emotions get the better of me he acted rude to me. We both apologized and he said he’s giving me space to heal that’s all. So I went into no contact for a week. He has a big case with his work that I had been helping him with and was going to wish him good luck. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I continue to try and reach out? Or go no contact?

Hi Mel no you need to complete a full 30 days No contact not a week. You need to work on yourself in that time and be sure to focus on your Holy Trinity

hi! my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me recently because he was not sure whether he wanted to marry me down the line, and we are in our mid-20s so he did not want to waste my time when he was figuring out what he wanted. we did no contact for a week and then talked in person for “closure”, he says he wants to be close friends but it is too hard to talk. I really want him back, I’m pretty sure he’s being stupid and I know he’s the one. would doing more no contact help?

Hi Charlotte, yes no contact will help but you must stick to it and work on your holy trinity during the 30 days

When will her anger subside? I got sick in 2019 and could not work for 9 months, she had to support us. Prior to that she never paid for anything, secretly resented me for it. Was dumped via text after 3 years living together, never led on anything was wrong. Then proceeded to smear me to everyone, put our 15 yr old rescue dog down XMAS Eve without letting me know, told me she wanted to be alone and overnight added 200 local single guys on Facebook. Added my deceased childhood friends family to make me mad, added all my enemies even my son’s mother who she couldnt stand and buddied up with her? Flirts with guys she normally makes fun of, muscle gym rats, trophy hunters, 60yr olds, 18yr olds. She doesn’t have 1 piercing, tattoo or jewelry and now wants these big tattoo portraits? Has blocked and unblocked me 5x. Recently I found mysejd unblocked on everything and we slowly started communication positively. She was still posting tweets aimed at me that were negative and attempts to make me jealous. I’ve put 32 lbs on muscle in the gym, got a promotion, going back to school, returned to my hobbies and volunteering but the more I improve the angrier she gets. She gets really mad when I go NC but will ask me a question, I respond and she ignores it for days? Ive given her $5000 to help pay her bills, showered her with thoughtful expensive gifts for XMAS, Valentine’s Day, Birthday…no thank you or acknowledging them? When I recently asked for my stuff she instantly blocked me and said she will call authorities? Ive been asking for 6 months now!! She checks my social media over 100x a day now over and over. I still have house keys she won’t take back, she blames me for everything wrong in her life and even after saying how happy she is I can tell she is miserable, put weight on and looks depressed. Like she just wants to punish me, me to chase so she can reject, play games and attempt to make me jealous. Tells everyone I used her!! I never cheated, abused her, treated her like a princess. She puts this tough attitude on like she has to impress her friends and win this breakup at all cost even if she breaks her own heart. I feel like she thinks I’ve treated him so bad that I can’t EVER see him because he has all the right to hate me. Any ideas what I should do or is this sweet, innocent, kind girl Really a covert narcissist I didn’t see because I’ve never dealt with that?

Hi Chris, she is not displaying very healthy traits right now but I do think that you need to stick to your guns about No Contact as she most likely feels that she can have you back when she wants you (and no more gifts etc). While she speaks badly of you on social media and to friends, rise above it. The more you work on yourself, the angrier she gets, this is probably a little resentment that you are not chasing her. Keep focused on you, ignore her attempts and questions. Let her be angry and let her self destruct because she is going to have to realise her actions are more like a teenage girl not a grown woman.

Recently I’ve been very stressed over the covid situation and not being able to see him. I’ve been upset for the last month (and unfortunately took it out on him) and finally he couldn’t take it anymore. I feel this is somewhat unfair due to this not being a normal circumstance, especially after 2 years. I apologized (in an admittedly long emotional text) and he said he wasn’t sure. He wanted to continue to be friends and text but I told him I needed time. How long should my NC be?

Hi Rosie, I would suggest that you follow a 45 No Contact as during this time it is highly emotional for everyone and we struggle to deal with those emotions. Take some time to be kind to yourself and allow space between you and your ex for now

we were together for 4 years plus.
during the 4 years we like always argue & all. & we argue like over the same thing which is me always being insecure & like overthink a lot. so on may 2019 we broke up but then 1 month later he came back to me. we decided to work things out & all & like he told me he accepted me for who i am as a person & all. so from then now we were okay la until when he started interning quite recently at f45 (the workout studio). ever since then i was more insecure & i always jealous even when he just talking to his girl colleague. but he has always assured me.
but i still keep getting insecure over the same thing that he assured me about. so we met up to talk & share our feelings out.

then i told him like i’m unhappy cause he don’t give me attention now that he’s interning & all he talks about is about his intern life. like he don’t even bother asking me about my life & all. & also he don’t show me enough affection which made me felt like he lost interest in me. so after i shared my feelings, he started telling me that my insecurities is slowly killing the relationship which makes him want to leave. so then he made the decision to break up with me. but a few days later, he called to ask if we could meet up & have a talk. so yea i went to meet him & we talked. then after the talk i asked him if this was a break up or like us taking a break from each other? he said it’s just us taking a break from each other & giving space to each other. he told me to trust him on this & that he won’t contact anyone & such as he just wanted to focus on himself.

during this “taking a break from each other” period, there was a friend (i didn’t rly know her that well) but she kept telling me that mark is contacting someone.

i didn’t trust her uh but then idk why after a few days, i just kinda snapped & i went to confront mark. but i confronted him in a manner that wasn’t nice & he got pissed. & he kept telling me that he isn’t contacting anyone & he’s pissed that i didn’t trust him. so he couldn’t take it & decided to just really end things. so he told me he gave up & blocked me right after that.

Hi me and my boyfriend broke up a few days ago, with haven’t seen eachother in a couple of weeks due to what’s going on in the world, anyway he broke up with me as he felt his mental health wasn’t great and this meant his feelings towards me have changed? What should I do? In total we have been together 4 years but about 2 years ago we broke up for about 8 weeks.

Hi Lizzie, I would suggest that you allow your ex that time and take it as a No Contact where you focus on yourself. If he has got mental health issues he is going to need to do what is best for him to feel better


What do guys do after a breakup?

When it comes to handling a break-up, many people say that “women break up harder, but men break up longer.”

In other words, women typically engage in an emotional grieving process right after the breakup, whereas men initially stuff their feelings down and procrastinate on healing.

According to a study completed by researchers at New York’s Binghamton University , men typically experience anger right after a breakup and engage in more self-destructive behaviors as a result.

Some men turn to drinking and other mood-altering substances to dull their emotions after a breakup, whereas others turn to the gym to “sweat it out.”

What’s more, men often either stalk their ex on social media or completely erase any memory of them.

Also, many men jump right back into dating after a breakup — but not because they’re looking for something serious.

For the most part, it’s about the rush we all feel when we flirt and hook up with someone new. Because of this, men will often “rebound” with several women.

What’s most interesting, however, is the fact that men typically engage in these behaviors to maintain their self-esteem and avoid any appearance that the breakup damaged them.

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Why are guys so prideful?

Guys hold onto their pride even more than usual after a breakup. They don’t want anyone to see them shed a tear.

While most of us see this confidence and ability to easily move on as upsetting, the truth is that it’s not how it looks.

According to John Amodeo , psychologist and author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships , “Pride is often driven by poor self-worth and shame. We feel so badly about ourselves that we compensate by feeling superior.”

When it comes to breakups, men use their pride as a coping mechanism to avoid heartache. While this merely delays the inevitable, men seem to be hardwired to react in this way.

After all, society raises men to approach all emotions in a “masculine” way and “man up” when times get tough.

This is why many men mask their feelings after a breakup and avoid processing their grief by diving right back into dating someone new.

Also, men see failure as a sign of weakness and admitting that the end of a relationship hurts looks like failure.

Instead of sharing their feelings, men take on the “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality and put on a cloak of pride to cover up their pain.

Why do insecure guys move on so quickly?

As we mentioned, many guys try to cover up their insecurity by moving on immediately after a breakup.

Some guys believe the phrase “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” whereas others just think that someone new will make them feel better.

However, an insecure guy who quickly picks up someone new after a breakup is someone you may want to cut ties forever with. You can never keep a man's interest who is insecure like this. They will always justify moving on so, in this case, you should too.

Guys like this can never maintain successful long-term relationships because they haven’t taken the time to deal with their emotions and process why previous relationships failed.

Furthermore, clinical psychologist Josh Klapow shared in an interview with Psychology Today that this lack of emotional insight hinders a man’s ability to develop relationships in other ways.

When insecure men move on quickly, it ultimately prevents them from connecting with their partners on a deeper level.

This attitude ultimately makes men view relationships as "accomplishments" instead of meaningful partnerships.

When that happens, it starts a cycle of hookup after hookup where women become conquests, not people.

However, when men learn to feel secure with themselves and can fully experience vulnerability, they can break this cycle and learn to cope with the heartache of a breakup more effectively.


They made that up

Imagination Land

Call it a cheap shot to say they "made up" imagination, but hear us out.

In 2013, scientists put subjects inside an MRI scanner to see which parts of their brains lit up during imagination. Several key structures seemed to be involved, but ultimately the research hit the same dead end that a lot of imagination research hits.

We just don't know how we do it.

Perhaps that is the biggest complaint one can lob at the movie's treatment of imagination. Psychology doesn't know how imagination works well enough to depict it so fantastically.

When Joy, Sadness, and their sidekick Bing Bong — Riley's imaginary friend — enter Imagination Land's off-limit zone of Abstract Thought, they lose their complexity in four stages. By the fourth stage, the three characters have been reduced to colored amorphous blobs.

As we age into our teenage years, we really do gain the ability to think more abstractly than when we were kids. We think about concepts and ideas rather than just objects.

Herr admits, "I think that was one case where it was probably more artistic than it was brain science."

But then again, it is Pixar. A little artistic license is to be expected.


12 …And Really Believed Some Of Those Ideals

More than that – J.K. Rowling showed us exchanges between Dumbledore and Grindelwald that make it hard to believe he only loved Grindelwald and didn’t agree with the ideals he espoused. He truly thought that magical people were better than non-magical people. That was something he actually thought, and it’s hard to believe that only Grindelwald persuaded him to think this, because that’s a pretty big deal. Sure, he wasn’t quite on a level of wanting to massacre every Muggle and Muggle-born in sight like Voldemort was, but his morals definitely weren’t as high and mighty as he tries to portray them to be by the time he’s around Harry. 'Magic is might' is nothing short of prejudice and discrimination, and Dumbledore once took his part in that. Ew.


How “Sticky” is Your Mind?

A mind that lacks self acceptance is like a non stick frying pan. You can put things into the frying pan and even cook with it, but ultimately, whatever you put in will not stick and is easily removed.

In the same way, a lack of self acceptance and the subconscious processes that fuel it, will allow you to absorb new information into your mind, use it for a while, but soon lose what you learned and then go back to your old limiting beliefs.

This leaves you exactly where you first began, and so in the long run, no real progress is made.

When you lack self-acceptance it’s very difficult for anything positive to stick in your mind. As a result, you end up walking around in circles, never really going anywhere or achieving much in life.

The important point to remember here, is that through a lack of self acceptance you only strengthen the negative limiting beliefs that dwell inside your subconscious mind.

By fully accepting yourself however, you do not automatically make these limiting beliefs go away, but rather, you stop reinforcing them thereby making them weaker and weaker over time until they eventually die out on their own.

All beliefs in the mind, whether good or bad, need attention to grow just like a plant in a garden. If you neglect it, the plant will die. This is how beliefs work in the garden of your subconscious.

Every belief you have you either reinforce or weaken through your thoughts and actions. A lack of self acceptance is just one of the ways that people strengthen their limiting beliefs.

The battle for your subconscious mind

Because limiting beliefs do not immediately go away, but rather gradually weaken over time, self improvement is initially a battle between the conscious and subconscious mind.

Consciously, you may be trying to improve your life with new techniques and methods, but if you have a “non stick mind” and are lacking self acceptance, then your subconscious will constantly be trying to tell your conscious mind that things are not working, that they are not happening quick enough and that you should give up.

This occurs because there is an imbalance of opposing beliefs. Whilst you are trying to plant a new belief in the garden of your subconscious, your old belief is still there and still trying to influence you.

Because the new belief that you have planted is still young and weak, you will have to fight off that old belief until your new belief becomes stronger and your old belief fades away.

It takes time for new beliefs to grow from the subconscious and manifest themselves in your life.

It is during this time that the new belief you have planted is most vulnerable. If you do give up and go back to your old way of thinking, acting or doing, then the old subconscious belief wins which further reinforces it and makes it stronger. This then makes future battles that much more difficult.

This is precisely why persistence (i.e. the ability to keep going no matter what happens) and self-discipline (i.e. the ability to do what you know you should do, whether you feel like it or not) are so important when it comes to making meaningful and lasting positive changes to your life.

If you lack either of these two traits, then self-improvement becomes much more difficult.

Should the conscious mind persist and obtain victory, then the subconscious mind is forced to re-examine and change its initial belief, thereby incorporating your new belief.

This then makes future battles with the subconscious that much easier, until eventually, it is completely reprogrammed with the beliefs you want it to have.

Simultaneously this will also strengthen your level of persistence and self-discipline, which again makes future battles with the subconscious that much easier.

Two minds in the same mind

Just remember that self improvement is a constant battle between programmed beliefs in the subconscious mind and desired beliefs in the conscious mind.

Subconscious beliefs are always going to be much stronger than those in the conscious mind and so battles against the subconscious will be very difficult.

The goal of your conscious mind is to program your subconscious to act in a way that you want it to act.

However, this does not mean that such battles cannot be won. So if you are defeated, get up and try again because eventually the subconscious will give in if you persist for long enough.

The job of your conscious mind is to implant the best beliefs into your subconscious and to then hold your ground until that new belief has had time to establish itself and the old belief has died away.

Once your new belief has been established, remember to reinforce it with your thoughts and actions because otherwise it may fade away and the good that you have done will be lost.